Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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