Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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