Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i came on her dog
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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