john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
