Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
