Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
