i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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