We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
