Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
