I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
