I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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