Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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