This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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