I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
