I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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