dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
