my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
