I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
