every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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