Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
