How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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