I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize