I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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