I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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