you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
