the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
