Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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