I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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