she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize