if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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