just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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