I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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