I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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