Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
