My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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