hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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