textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
