took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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