the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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