Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
