We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
