I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
