I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't deserve a penis
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
