Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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