took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
