How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
