Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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