FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
