i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize