god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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