new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
