Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
