Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
