six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
