textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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