you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
